Not myself

So, it’s not new news that I’ve been relatively sidelined with injuries since… oh, late February/early March. Achilles tendinitis was the name of the game that time. I felt a hint of pain in my heel and stubbornly (you’ll find there’s a theme here) continued to run on it until it reduced me to a tearful limp one day after a run. I saw a doctor, who told me what it was and what I could do to rehab it (put heel cups in my shoes, stretch my calves, and build up the miles again slowly.)

It was unbelievably hard to take a step back after finally building up to a daily/weekly mileage I was proud of, but he surprisingly didn’t even tell me not to run. I ran a half that weekend and was pain-free. (I kept running too much immediately after, thinking I was cured for good, which set me back another couple weeks.) KT tape ended up saving me, and through April and May I mostly ran relatively painlessly.

Finally, on vacation in Colorado, I felt like the KT tape could come off, the heel cups could come out, and that I could start going back to normal. So I go on a 5~ mile trail run, relishing the painlessness, feel a little tweak in my foot, and think nothing of it. I run another 6 miles the next day, and 14 on the weekend. Foot feeling a teeny bit twingy, but generally alright (I thought).

General alrightness became a thing of the past as the week went on. My foot felt weird and either bruised/swollen but not swollen appearing? I had had a similar thing happen twice last year and thought a few days off would cure me, as it did in the past. I had a half coming up that weekend, and it wasn’t painless, but it also wasn’t painful. It was… uncomfortable. It felt like there was too much in my shoe. It wasn’t unbearable, so I started up my marathon training as scheduled.

My first long run was 14 miles, and I set out that morning a little nervous, but not feeling too pained in the foot region. About halfway through the run I noticed my other foot/heel/ankle was feeling a little odd, but didn’t think too much of it. I struggled through a few runs the following week, but things didn’t get worse, though they certainly did not improve..

My next long run was a 12 miler, and I was determined to do it. Once again, about halfway through, I started to feel the pain in my ankle area. By the last mile it was almost unbearable. I just wanted to get home, so of course I kept going. I limped into the house completely dejected.

So that’s where I’ve been at, lately. I had made a doctor appointment when my foot wasn’t really healing itself, even though it ended up doing just that before the appointment. I kept it so I could get this new issue looked at, and was told it was peroneal and posterior tibial tendinitis in the same ankle (not common, but not impossible, apparently). He suggested I take a week off running. I took 5 days off, but then there was Dances with Dirt, and we all know how that went…

After DWD, I took a few days off before I ran a fun run with my local running store. Pretty sucky, not impossible though. Took another few days off, and things were really feeling better, so I set off to test out a few miles. It was.. okay. I’ve been running a few here and there since then, and I’m just not sure what to think about anything anymore.

I’m honestly really struggling to maintain positivity when it seems like it isn’t going away. I feel nervous and utterly terrified that my marathon is almost exactly 2 months away and I’ve been completely unable to train. The longest training run I’ve been able to complete is 14 miles. Coupling the stress of moving somewhere I don’t want to be, with not being able to just RUN, has kept me in an incredibly negative mood for over a month now. I’m usually the most positive person in the group, so the fact that I’m not is another thing I stress over now.

I’m doing my best not to complain, to see the bright side, to keep moving any way I can. I know it’s not the end of the world. I know I’ll still toe the line at the marathon no matter what training I’ve got under my belt, for better or for worse. I know everything will be okay eventually. But it’s hard to not feel like yourself for such an extended period of time.

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